The Heavy - Great Vengeance and Furious Fire (US 2008)

What if Led Zepplin decided to collaborate on a record with Earth, Wind and Fire, then decided to have the GZA produce a few slumpers for the clubs? Then you would have The Heavy’s Great Vengeance and Furious Fire. Strapping blue notes, screaming low fi, and slutty lyrics, what a sick band! Wow. “Colleen” needs to be played center stage at your local strip club, mortgage payments would be thrown across the room like horse shoes. These boys from Noid, a small town in South West U.K. can even make sipping tea sound dirty, no seriously, they can, and they do. Not only are tracks like “Colleen”, “In the Morning”, and “That Kind of Man” killer party jams, this band has fucking soul. “Set Me Free” should be the theme song for the next Shaft remake. There is not one bad song on the entire album, and I give it about three weeks before one of these songs is on the next Levi’s commercial. Don’t say this very often folks, but if you don’t get this off the iTunes for the five bucks that they are asking right now, you should use that money to buy a bullet and shoot yourself, they are straight dick* man.

*Thanks for the new slang Tater.

Lil' Wayne - Da Drought 3 (2007)

Dirty. This album was released last year, but I want to talk about it now. I’m obsessed with Lil' Wayne. I think it’s starting to damage relationships I have with friends, family and co-workers. Example A: In one of my favorite tracks from Da Drought 3, "Put Some Keys On It", he raps, “Baby girl getting straight dick no cuddle”. That shit is funny ok. And as a result I’ve started saying “straight dick” to describe things that totally rule. The other day a co-worker congratulated me on a successful program, and I was thiiisss close to saying “I know, straight dick, right?” So inappropriate. Also, I think my roommate is sick of me talking about how I’m gonna put some keys on him. Apparently not everyone thinks being a drug mule is as cool as I do. If right now you’re thinking, well that sounds awesome – I want to get into Lil Wayne and be hard like Julia! – I highly suggest starting with Da Drought 3. It’s a mixtape, so you’ll recognize a lot of the background beats and it will be a very easy transition for you from purity to straight… ah almost did it again… ahem from pure to dirty. Lil' Wayne absolutely murders it over the Beyonce song (I know I know, but trust me), "Upgrade". “Even deaf bitches say hi to me/ She tell a blind bitch and she say I gotta see”. At this point in the review you’re probably either totally hyped or totally turned off. Or you stopped reading already.

Faves: Upgrade, Put Some Keys On It, I Can’t Feel My Face, and New Cash Money